Police Report: Edward ‘Big Balls’ Coristine Assaulted in Alleged Carjacking

Edward ‘Big Balls’ Coristine, a well-known local businessman, was reportedly assaulted in an alleged carjacking incident last night. According to police reports, Coristine was driving home when he was ambushed by a group of assailants who forced him out of his vehicle and violently attacked him.

Witnesses say that the attackers were armed and appeared to be targeting Coristine specifically. The motive behind the attack is still unclear, but police are investigating all leads and working to identify the suspects involved.

Coristine was taken to the hospital with serious injuries, but is expected to make a full recovery. The community has been shocked by this brazen act of violence against a beloved figure like Coristine, and many are calling for justice to be served swiftly.

Authorities are urging anyone with information about the incident to come forward and assist in the investigation. In the meantime, increased police presence has been implemented in the area to ensure the safety of residents and prevent similar crimes from occurring.

Coristine’s family and friends have expressed their gratitude for the outpouring of support and well-wishes from the community, and are hopeful that those responsible for the attack will be apprehended soon. In the meantime, they are asking for privacy as they focus on Coristine’s recovery.

This incident serves as a reminder of the importance of staying vigilant and taking precautions to protect oneself in today’s society. It is a sobering wake-up call for all of us to be aware of our surroundings and report any suspicious activity to authorities.